The Search For Jesus' Laptop
by TheDicloniousAlchemist
Summary: Jesus' laptop is not the only thing both Buddha and Jesus find after it goes missing.


It all started when our heroic hero, Jesus, woke up in a lemur-infested bush. It was the seventh time it had happened. Feeling ridiculously stunned, Jesus groped a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Suddenly cheered up by the Ham taro theme song, he realized that his beloved laptop was missing! Immediately he called his best friend, Buddha. Jesus had known Buddha for centuries, and has shared many memories, the majority of which were flamboyant ones.

Buddha picked up the phone to find a panicked Jesus. Buddha assured him that most disease-carrying lemurs can't steal laptops because they have no thumbs. He had no idea what the lemur thing meant; he was only concerned with distracting Jesus. Why was Buddha trying to distract Jesus? Because he had went into Jesus' room and stole the laptop. It was an eccentric little laptop and he was curious of the search history. How could he resist? It didn't take long before Jesus got anxious about the subject at hand. Buddha cringed. Reluctantly, Buddha invited him over; assuring him they'd find the laptop. Jesus grabbed his canoe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Buddha realized that he was in some deep shit.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Buddha was interrupted by two cats that were lured by his laptop. Buddha sighed," Not again," he thought. Feeling frustrated, he aimlessly reached for a banana and recklessly slapped every last one of them. The discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the bush, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the car rolling up. It was Jesus.

As Jesus pulled up to the driveway, he felt relieved about the situation. Buddha was his friend. Yes, just his friend. Even if they wouldn't find the laptop, he was sure Buddha would help him get a new one. That was one of the many reasons he liked Buddha, he could always trust him with anything, and he had such a unique character, and on top of that he was very clever and funny and handsome. Jesus blushed. With a heroic leap, Jesus was out of the car and went sprinting toward Buddha's front door. Meanwhile inside, Buddha was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the laptop into a box of bananas and then slid the box under a table. Buddha wasn't much relieved but at least the laptop was concealed. The doorbell rang.

"Come in," Buddha earnestly purred. With a gentle push, Jesus opened the door. "Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless flaming idiot in a time machine," he lied. "Its fine," Buddha assured him. Jesus took a seat hilariously close to where Buddha had hidden the laptop. Buddha cringed, trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness, "C-can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Jesus was distracted. Ever so extemporaneously, Buddha noticed a serious look on Jesus's face. Jesus slowly opened his mouth to speak.

"What's in that box, Buddha?"

Buddha felt a stabbing pain in his head when Jesus asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that the box itself was in plain sight. "What? Oh, that's nothing!" Buddha said, a little too quickly," Those are just my grandma's ripened grenades from when she used to have pet albino cats. She, uh…dropped them by here earlier." Jesus nodded with fake acknowledgement…then, before Buddha could react, Jesus lunged toward the box and opened it. The laptop was plainly in view.

Jesus stared at Buddha for what must've been a long ass time. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confucius, Buddha groped wildly in Jesus's direction, clearly desperate. Jesus grabbed the laptop and bolted for the door. It was locked. Buddha let out a nervous chuckle. "If only you hadn't been on 4Chan, none of this would have happened, Jesus," he rebuked. Buddha always had been a little curious about what exactly he was doing on his laptop, so Jesus knew he needed to escape before Buddha did something crazy, like… start chucking wolverines at him or something. A few freak nasty minutes later, he gripped his laptop tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Buddha looked on, blankly. "What the hell? The other door was open, you know." Silence from Jesus. "And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago…it never ends!" Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Jesus. "Oh. You...okay?" Still silence. Buddha walked over to the window and looked down. Jesus was gone.

Just yonder, Jesus was struggling to make his way through the feline-infested jungle behind Buddha's place. Jesus had broken his fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral cats suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the laptop. One by one they latched on to Jesus. Already weakened from his injury, Jesus yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of cats running off with his laptop.

About nine hours later, Jesus awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and Jesus did not know where he was. Deep in the jungle, Jesus was abundantly lost. Before anyone could take off their pants, he remembered that his laptop was taken by the cats. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life, but that's when, to his horror, an oversized cat emerged from the swamp. It was the alpha cat. Jesus opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the cat threw an onion at Jesus' fingernail. With a faint groan, he was knocked to the ground with the air in his lungs knocked out of him, and as the dew on melancholy sapling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant cats, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.

Less than three miles away, Buddha was entombed by anguish over the loss of the laptop. "MY PRECIOUS!" he cried, as he reached for the sky, arms outstretched. With a deep sigh, he dramatically fell to the ground. As he cried into his hands, he thought about Jesus… wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him, but their friendship was shattered and nothing could ever change it back to how it used to be. All that remained was the laptop that had turned them against each other. Suddenly, a memory came into his mind. It was the day him and Jesus went to the beach, and it was also the day they had an argument about spending too much money. He still remembered how Jesus apologized and said how their friendship could never be broken, no matter what. It was then that Buddha realized that there was still something he could do.

He immediately got to his feet, wiping tears from his eyes, and ran into the jungle to save his friend, unconcerned about his own safety. Even when he started to lose hope, that maybe there was no way to fix what he has broken, he kept going. "You must keep fighting even when defeat is certain," he said to himself. His halo began to glow, which made it easier to see in the dark. Sooner or later, he found Jesus. His fingernail looked pretty bad, looks like he'll have to get them done. It's the least he could do for all that he has done to him. Buddha picked the leaves from Jesus' hair and reached down and lifted his friend from the dirt. As he carried Jesus, his legs felt numb, but they couldn't stay out here with whatever hurt his friend, not for long. Soon they were back at Buddha's house. He gently laid Jesus onto the couch then got out his first aid kit. As Buddha placed the bandage onto Jesus' finger, he opened his eyes,

"Buddha?"

He felt relief wash over him, now he had to apologize, "Jesus, I'm sorry for what I did, I had no right taking your things," He can still remember it, looking through files, finding fan fiction and other things…some of which he wish he did not come across, then there was the search history…"I just hope we can still be friends, and I'll help you find a new laptop and ill even take you to the salon to get your fingernail fixed and…" Jesus stopped him before he could say anymore," No Buddha, Its okay. All friendships have their problems, there's no need in me holding a grunge against you." Buddha overcame with joy, a wide smile spreading across his face. They embraced, holding tight to each other. Buddha, his face in Jesus' hair, remembered what he promised: That he would gather up the courage to tell Jesus his true feelings. That he would no longer lie to his best friend again.

Buddha let go, even though they were no longer as close they could be physically, they were as one. "Jesus, "Buddha stammered. Buddha's whole face had gone as red as a tomato. Jesus saw this and giggled, but what was the matter? Buddha looked him in the eyes, cupping Jesus' face into his hand, and kissed his best friend. Jesus closed his eyes. Embraced once again, their hands explored one another's body. Once their lips had separated, Buddha whispered," I love you," into Jesus' ear. Jesus repeated the words, Buddha's voice, and their lips coming together in his head. Perhaps there could be a heaven on Earth, and it can't just be a place either, but a person. A person he could call his friend, his lover, and companion. Jesus, placing his hand into Buddhas, kissed him once more.


End file.
